Thursday, December 23, 2010

I see dead people

I had this friend of mine die about 6 or 7 years ago of a drug over dose. At one point in my life he was my best friend and influenced many of the decisions that I made in my life. He was a guy that I looked up to and looked to for answers and advice. He was the reason that I went to the U of I. Once I got there though I noticed a large change in him. He was more distant, paranoid, would drink unbelievable amounts of alcohol, and had huge mood swings. He began selling drugs for very scary people, talked about driving to Texas to buy ex, bragged about the prescription drugs he could get. He was the smartest person that I ever knew, and I think that was his biggest flaw or weakness should I say. This made his life very lonely. No one could quite relate to him, all the people he understood were in books and dead. He began to live inside his addiction to drugs and alcohol and would only rarely come out. A couple times he wrote pages long good byes to all his friends and people would rush to his place and prayed they weren't too late. He was kicked off the gymnastics team I was on and was even arrested for making fake prescriptions on his computer. His paranoia made him blame everyone for his problems, and his drug induced stupor made him think he was still smarter than anyone and everything, and he was invincible.
The last time I saw him was right before my junior year in college. He was telling everyone that he was getting clean, and I wanted to believe it so badly. Our meeting was great and I was excited to have my friend back. He was going to help me put in my AC and let me use some of his tools. The one thing that I thought was strange was that he was sweating while it was a nice breezy day and no one else was. That was because he had gotten a hold of medical morphine patches. He died a couple day later overdosing on morphine and beer. My friend Ben found his dead body in the basement of the house they were living in. He had been dead for a while and Ben did everything he could to save him but he was gone. This really fucked Ben up for years. He wouldn't go back to that house for at least 2 and I think Ben saw a lot of himself in my other friend. Ben was also crazy smart and I think he thought the same thing could happen to him if he wasn't careful.
The thing about my friend dying is that I see him all the time. Not that I see HIM in ghost form, but I see people that look like him and I do a double take. Just earlier tonight I thought I saw a picture of him on a web page. I have had other people in my life pass away, I had another friend that ran in my same group in high school that died in a car accident. I have never seen his face in the crowd. I have had grandparents pass away and I never think I see them. I have even had dreams about this guy and have never had a dream about any other dead person I know. So what the F is up with that?

Going for a ride in the AM with Michael again. It is going to be cold but I got plenty of clothes I will live. The only thing that sucks is that I gotta get up at 7am bluhhh..........

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